I did a show on WIP Saturday night, and you can relive it here.

I’d say it got better after the Lebron argument with my dad, Howard Eskin, which happens at the end of Part 1. It ended up calming me down a bit.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

A shocking story in the NBA last night, as Dwayne Wade finally met his real father in a game against the Cleveland Cavs. What makes it even more shocking, is that his father also plays in the NBA.

The surprises don’t end there. Dwayne Wade found out that his father is actually 8 years YOUNGER than he is and has the last name of Hickson.

Please watch the video as JJ Hickson answers the question someone asked Dwayne Wade. The question being “who is your daddy?”

I have criticized players as well, too many jump shots from Iguodala, Sam Dalembert for, well for being Sam Dalembert, but by far the most criticism has been for Eddie Jordan. I believe everything I’ve written. I believe this team with a better coach should be a .500 team.

Speaking of Dalembert, I can’t wait till someone trades for him because of the mirage of the last month. He only plays well when Iverson is there. Unless there’s a team out there that wants to take Sammy along with an over-the-hill, shoots-too-much, shooting guard, they’re going to get the old Sam Dalembert. I can’t wait to watch it. I swear, wherever he goes, I’m going to talk to those people afterwards. I can imagine just calling random phone numbers in Portland out of the phone book.

Porlandian: “Hello?”
Spike: “So how’s that Dalembert thing coming along?”

Portlandian: “Ugh, I’ve heard about you.” Click.

That being said, it’s no secret that there’s a talent problem on the team. Most of the focus has been on the “mix” of players assembled by Ed Stefanski. Most through the draft, and a couple of dabbles in to free agency have left them with not enough shooters, and too many players with the same skill set. Stefanski has been criticized for signing the wrong big-time-free-agent in Elton Brand. There is truth in all of this.

I was thinking about all of this while watching American Idol last night. I know, it’s amazing to think I could think about anything else while watching Idol. I came out of that hour of my life with three main thoughts; the Sixers are in trouble, Victoria Beckham needs a sandwich, and I’m a 33 year old man who watches American Idol every week. It’s ok for you to judge me.

The most alarming, frightening truth isn’t the mix of talent though. It’s the lack of it. In the NBA, at least in the regular season, the team with the best player usually wins. I mean sure, you can find tons of examples when this doesn’t happen. But by and large, you’re only as good as your best player. It’s no accident that the top two teams in the league (Cleveland and Los Angeles) have the two best players in the league (Lebron James and Kobe Bryant). It’s also no accident that their casts, although important for a championship run, don’t have too much to do with their record during the regular season. Cleveland has suffered injuries to Shaquille O’Neal, Mo Williams and Delonte West. Arguably the #2, #3 and #4 best players on the team. They have the best record in the NBA.

In fact, the ability of the best player is pretty directly tied to a team’s record in the regular season.

This brings us to our Sixers. See, the problem (or one of them), with the Sixers is that their best player, well, their best player doesn’t rank very high on that list. Whether you decide it’s Elton Brand or Andre Iguodala, it doesn’t change much. I’m not talking about potential, I’m talking about RIGHT NOW, the best player on the team. And unless you see one of the young players on this team (Young, Williams, Speights) becoming really, really, really good, they’re in trouble. See, the Sixers to get better need a better coach, a better mix of players, but most of all, need a really, really good player.

So in fairness to Eddie Jordan, I decided to break down the NBA into 5 categories, just to show how handicapped he is. The categories are:

1. Teams who have a better best player, and a better record.

2. Teams who have a better best player, and a worse record.

3. Teams who do not have a better best player, and a better record.

4. Teams who do not have a better best player, and a worse record.

5. Teams who have about the same best player, and about the same record.

Now really, here’s what we can do. We can give Eddie Jordan lots of praise for the teams in category 2, but what we’ll be most concerned with is category 3, the teams who do not have a better best player than the Sixers, but DO have a better team. Let’s do this.

1. Teams Who Have A Better Best Player, And A Better Record

Cleveland – Lebron James

Los Angeles – Kobe Bryant

Denver – Carmelo Anthony

Orlando – Dwight Howard

Boston – Paul Pierce

Atlanta – Joe Johnson

Dallas – Dirk Nowitzki

Utah – Deron Williams/Carlos Boozer

Now, I know Sixers fans are saying “our guy is better than Deron Williams.” Not so fast. If offered, the Sixers would jump at the chance to take Williams for anybody on the Sixers. ANY-BODY.

San Antonio – Tony Parker / Tim Duncan

Portland – Brandon Roy

Phoenix – Steve Nash

Oklahoma City – Kevin Durant

New Orleans – Chris Paul

Memphis – Rudy Gay / Marc Gasol / OJ Mayo (all tied, all better)

Toronto – Chris Bosh

Charlotte – Stephen Jackson

Chicago – Derek Rose

Milwaukee – Michael Redd

Los Angeles (Clippers) – Baron Davis

Indiana – Danny Granger

2. Teams who have a better best player, and do not have a better record.

Washington – Antawn Jamison (And had Gilbert Arenas)

Golden State – Monta Ellis

3. Teams who do not have a better best player, and a better record.

Houston – Aaron Brooks / Trevor Ariza

4. Teams who do not have a better best player, and a worse record.

Minnesota – Al Jefferson

New Jersey – Devin Harris / Brooke Lopez

5. Teams who have about the same best player, and about the same record.

New York – David Lee

Detroit – Rip Hamilton / Rodney Stuckey

Sacramento – Kevin Martin

Now, as I said, this is not an argument for “Eddie Jordan is getting a raw deal,” or even “Eddie Jordan is doing a good job,” but it’s a little bit of, “what did we expect?” According to my count (and I know some of these are debatable) there is exactly one team with a better record in the NBA that does not have at least one player better than the Sixers. ONE.

Again, I can’t stress enough that I understand that an NBA team needs more than one good player. But I also can’t ignore the direct correlation of wins to how good the best player on each team is. So with or without Eddie Jordan, the biggest question becomes, where is that guy going to come from? Well, we’re going to have to get lucky.

Big-time free anents aren’t coming here. No way, no how. Even if we dumped a ton of salary, it’s not happening. All of the teams who can offer money to a big-time free-agent is going to be able to offer about the same money. If you could come here or any of those places, for the same money, we’re not going to win that.

So there’s only one hope. Get lucky.

Start looking for 4-leaf clovers.

Among the topics discussed:

* When does she think Eddie Jordan will get fired.

* Are the players close to quitting on the coach.

* Could they make any trades?

* What exactly is Eddie Jordan thinking?

* Why don’t the other members of the press talk to me at Sixers games?

Listen Here

Or get it on iTunes (for free obviously) here

I mean, if you have enough money for food, already gave money to Haiti, and your bills are paid up. This might not be a bad way to spend it.

Fire Eddie Jordan T-Shirts

The Sixers do not believe.

It’s taken him half a season, and Eddie Jordan still doesn’t know what lineup he wants to play.

He did his best to lose Elton Brand mentally by sitting him in the 4th quarter of games, then not starting him, now recently has decided he’s the #1 offensive option 9 out of every 10 trips down the court.

Andre Iguodala went from the #1 offensive option, to what appears to be the third or fourth with the flick of a switch.

The Allen Iverson decision may not have been his, but it was a bad one. Iverson can’t guard anyone, can’t get by anyone (as evidenced by his lack of foul shots), and does nothing but keep minutes from Lou Williams and Jrue Holiday. Iverson has been the model citizen, but I can’t help but think that watching him dribble in circles and take a fade away jumper 9 times a game is making this team better.

He didn’t emphasize team defense for 32 games, then he decided to change that when his job was publicly questioned by his boss. When he did this, he decided to STOP playing Jason Smith and Jason Kapono, and severely limit Mareese Speights’ minutes, who had been playing 30+ a game.

He came in boasting an offense full of high post-ups, cuts and passes, and I’ve got to tell you, I don’t think I’ve seen it once. Not one time the entire season.

They have blown more double digit leads than any team in the NBA, and this is because they do not do anything particularly well, that they can lean on when the shots stop falling. There is no system. There is nothing to comfortably lean back on. They get frustrated, and start playing like you do when you get frustrated playing NBA Live. You just start jacking up jump shots and not playing defense.

This team is far from the most talented team in the NBA, but they are far too talented to have the record they do, and to play as inconsistently as they do. They were a .500 team last year. They got Elton Brand back, Lou Williams and Marreese Speights got better. There’s no reason why this team should be as close to the bottom of the conference as they are to the final playoff spot. The lottery would be great, but not this way.

Among other things, to win basketball games the Sixers have gotta believe in Eddie Jordan. I don’t think they do, and I can’t say I blame them.

I need some answers. I need to know who. I need to know why. I need to know how.

I need to know the answers to those sneakers that kids wear with the wheels on the back that allows them to turn into brats on wheels whenever they choose. At what point did ANYONE decide it was safe for the kid and for the people around said kid to give this child the option to, at any time this child chooses, to turn himself into a weapon? We don’t let kids choose ANYTHING. Especially not a kid at the age who would want to wear this, or of the mindset that this would be fun. These are the kinds of kids we medicate and don’t allow to eat too much sugar. This is the kind of kid who isn’t allowed to watch wrestling, because he’ll end up doing the Diamond Cutter to his little sister. This is a bad fucking idea, and should probably be illegal. I saw some snot-nosed brat flying down the sidewalk on these things, and only dreamed he’d run into me, so I could yell at him. And this would be after I lied on the ground crying because my back went out (which is really what this is about, me being afraid).

The Wachovia Center has a bit of a buzz tonight, and you might guess it’s because of the homecoming of Tyreke Evans. Or, you could guess it’s because of a guy who will perhaps be an NBA Superstar, Omri Casspi. Even though those two are possibilities, one would gather it’s REALLY excitement over Sam Dalembert (this is sarcasm).

The Sixers have played as uneven in the last stretch of games as they do in any single game. With wins you wouldn’t expect, and losses that shouldn’t have happened. There seems to have been a SMALL improvement in the commitment to team defense, which is a good sign. Western Conference teams worry me though, because they like to run, which is ultimately what the Sixers like doing as well. The problem is that they’re generally better at it than the Sixers are.

Eddie Jordan still doesn’t have a set rotation off the bench. It’s game number 39 by the way. Marreese Speights, probably their most promising young player, didn’t get off the bench until there were 8 minutes left in the 4th last game. A game they lost. Speights went 4-4 from the floor in those 8 minutes by the way.

That’s all I got. Let’s get it on.

1st Quarter

*Note: The game is going to start about 10 minutes late. I wonder if Team Conan is going to spend tomorrow complaining about it.

12:00 The Sixers have welcome messages occasionally throughout the game on the jumbotron from the Sixers players in their jerseys. Their biceps always look WAY bigger in these videos than they do in real life. Especially Andre Iguodala, who looks like he’s about to pop. I can only imagine they had dumbells right next to the camera, so they could pump up before the shoot. I’m not kidding about this. I’m sure of it.

11:16 The Sixers open up with a 5-0 lead. The Kings don’t look interested in playing defense. It’s a match made in heaven.

10:19 Thaddeus Young scores two straight, the Sixers go up 9-3 and haven’t missed a shot. It’s amazing to me that Sacramento even wastes the energy of running down the court to play defense, being that they only pretend anyway.

9:32 Sammy gets his customary goal tending call. I don’t believe I’ve seen a Sixers game this year that he hasn’t been called for one. You’d think someone would explain the rule to him.

7:36 The Sixers are shooting 71% and down 12-11. This is not what you’d call a “good sign.”

6:18 Dalembert hits the 15 footer to bring the Sixers to within 2. He’s got 6 points, a block and 2 boards. He’s had some good first halves recently. The overall numbers look good, but you’ll see most of it is in the first half. If he’d play both halves, he might be *gasp* good.

3:36 Timeout on the floor and Dalembert’s got 8 points and 4 boards. Whatever he’s doing, he should just keep doing it.

3:29 I’ve got no funny left this week. All of the Conan nonsense drained it from me. I’m amazed at what people obsess over nowadays. Amazed. If I wrote a book called “Who Cares,” the first chapter would be about Conan O’Brien being on a half an hour later than he normally is. Fuck. Just pretend there was a football game or an Obama speech every  night that pushed him back. The only people watching are teenagers and old people anyway.

3:29 I want Polish Water Ice. Could one person who reads this, pick a game on the schedule, and tell me when to buy it from one of the dudes who walk around selling it? Just pick a game and I’ll do it. I’ll even videotape myself buying it while on press row.

3:22 Andre Iguodala hurt himself before the timeout, and came back onto the floor. He limped on the last play and came out for Brand.

2:25 Marreese Speights checks into the game. The same Speights who didn’t check in until EIGHT MINUTES LEFT in the last game. And Eddie Jordan doesn’t know why people question his rotations. Thaddeus Young with another bucket, puts the Sixers up 25-22. Thaddeus has 10.

1:00 Every time I see him, I’m amazed at how many bad tattoos Speights has at such a young age. I’ve got my mistakes, but not nearly as many as he does.

:25 I can’t write these at the end of the week. Between the radio show, the tweeting, the Facebook, the podcasts, I’ve got nothing left to say. My deepest apologies for JUST telling you what’s happening without any clever commentary.

2nd Quarter Sixers – 32 Kings – 25

Well, the lead is up to seven points. What do you think we can get it up to until we ultimately blow it with poor shot selection and bad defense?

10:51 Speights shoots too much. If I played with him, it’d drive me nuts.

9:04 Lead goes to 9 on a Brand jumper. C’mon fellas! Let’s get this to double digits so we can blow it!

8:46 Timeout on the floor. The little kid Sixers dancers! I’m looking down. Not looking. Not looking at the 10 year old girls dancing like grown ups. Nope. Not gonna… DAMN IT. I looked.

8:12 Iguodala checks back in and is apparently uninjured. Also, still probably dresses like Urkel after games. Official word, right ankle sprain.

2:52 The quarter is almost over and I don’t know what to say. Omri Casspi is Jewish! Tyreke Evans is local! Eddie Jordan can’t coach!

1:22 Tyreke Evans just abused Lou Williams. Look for it in the highlights.

:35 This is the worst Sixers blog I’ve ever written.

HALFTIME Sixers -49 Kings – 47

A few quick notes about halftime. First, there were a million cookies in the press room. Of course, this is the day I eat dinner BEFORE I get here. Not particularly hungry, but I force down a peanut butter cookie and some popcorn because it was there.

Second, both Ike Reese and G Cobb are here. That makes more WIP personalities at this one game than the entire rest of the season combined. Actually, tied. I’ve seen my dad here once, and I’ve seen Mark Farzetta here once. WAIT. Actually, I did see Rob Charry here once.

Finally, Ike Reese is cool as hell.

3rd Quarter Sixers – 49 Kings – 47

9:12 Scored tied and 53, and I’m not writing because it’ll be negative AND not entertaining. I’m sure we’re going to lose this game, and I’m having trouble making light of it. I don’t know how real writers do this.

7:47 I’ve never dunked a basketball on a 10 foot rim. I never will. I’m going to die having never dunked a basketball. No matter what I succeed at in life, that will never happen. Man, that bums me out.

6:42 I think basketball players would be faster if they wore less cumbersome shoes.

6:02 Paris Hilton is a whore.

5:22 Guys that wear affliction shirts are dickheads.

5:20 Everyone is stronger than Samuel Dalembert. Boy does he get muscled around.

3:48 Eddie Jordan’s rotation now consists of just not playing Jason Smith or Jason Kapono. Thank goodness we got that sharpshooter!

2:53 KISS CAM! Gross, underage NERD kiss! The first one of those this season. OH NO, DON’T DO IT. NOOO. PARENTS JUST MADE THEIR KIDS KISS. GROSS! And then, there it is, the Kings’ bench. They did not kiss. We made fun of them. Win for us.

4th Quarter Sixers – 74 Kings – 71

10:47 Just writing so you know I’m alive.

9:21 Udrih is left wide open for a three to cut the SIxers lead to 1. Who would have guessed that someone would have been open for a three in the fourth quarter against the Sixers? Oh right, everyone would have guessed that.

8:47 The Kings are currently shooting 36% and down only 1 point. How is that possible?

8:44 Where the hell is Chris Webber? On either team. I figured if both the Sixers AND the Kings were here, one of them would have Webber.

8:06 The Hare Razers where batting gloves. I kid you not. Sixers up 8, and have a chance to put the game away. Bets? Anyone?

7:15 Lou Williams with a BIG three to put the Sixers up 11. I mean, dare I say it, it looks like, i mean, I don’t want to jinx anything, but it looks like the Sixers might take this game.

6:22 Elton Brand is 6/7 from the floor and has looked good tonight. Sometimes you forget he missed nearly two full years with injuries. I feel like he gets better and more consistent offensively as the year goes on. Of all the big contracts on this team, Brand is definitely not one of the top 2 I’d like to rid myself of.

5:16 Annnnnd here’s the “uh oh” moment for the game, the Kings cut the lead to 89-83. Also, people love free t-shirts. So much so that they will cheer louder for free t-shirts than at any one point during the game. We’re talking 10 t-shirts for 14,000 people, and they’re going ape shit.

4:20 The Sixers got the lead back to 7, and now have the ball. I think a basket and a stop wins the game. Let’s see what they do.

4:03 They turn it over, game still in question.

2:43 Sixers up 9 with the ball. A basket and it’s ball game.

2:27 Dalembert tries to turn it over, but the Kings won’t let him.

2:20 Brand misses a jumper with :02 on the shot clock. Dalembert gets the rebound and is fouled. I mean, I think they might win. I haven’t been here for a win in over a month. I don’t know how to handle it.

2:02 Fat people dancing on the jumbotron. YES!

FINAL Sixers – 98 Kings – 86

SIXERS WIN! I don’t know how to handle this. Only to tell you the entire crowd booed when they didn’t score 100 points.

Beetle:

Easy Ed Pinckney:

We’ll see what gems Eddie Jordan has in store tonight? Who will win and who will lose Eddie’s game of Substitution Roulette? Will Samuel Dalembert decide to try for TWO games in a row?! How many times will Andre Iguodala celebrate a basket? How many games will Jordan continue to not start his two best front court players? If Jason Smith and Jason Kapono touch, will they both evaporate into thin air? These and other questions could be answered tonight!

I love the Sixers, and I want them to win games, but Eddie Jordan is making me want to jump off the top of this building. Tonight, I don’t even think I have the mental capacity to be funny. Eddie Jordan has beaten the funny out of me. Like 11:30 did to Conan O’Brien. Like releasing “Raw” did to Eddie Murphy. Like 10pm did to Jay… Nah. Jay Leno was never funny.

1st Quarter

12:00 Man, if that Polish water ice guy keeps walking by, I’m going to be forced to buy one. I know it’s 25 degrees outside, but the police water ice is irresistible. Definitely worth the $27 or whatever it costs.

11:51 Exciting, Chris Bosh vs. Samuel Dalembert. It’s Pillow vs. Charmin.

10:29 Sixers are up 2-0, but have started sloppy with the ball, and impatient on offense. Unless it’s wide open, I’m not sure why Thaddeus Young is taking 3 point shots. An immediate bad feeling about tonight’s game. And it makes it worse when Thad shoots an airball from 16 feet.

9:06 I’ve said it a couple of times before, and I’m going to say it again, although I think he’s generally doing a decent job, Allen Iverson is a SHADOW of his former self. He cannot dribble by anyone. He generally moves parallel to the baseline and either shoots a fall away jumper or gives the ball up. Most times when he DOES get to the basket, he dribbles past it and gives the ball up to someone with a man on him. On defense, he can’t guard anyone. Not that he was a particularly great man defender back in the day, but he’s got nothing now. That being said, he’s playing within himself and not shooting too much, but the skills have eroded greatly.

6:46 Thaddeus Young is 1-5. This looks a little like the Thaddeus Young from much earlier in the season. That is not a good Thaddeus Young.

5:21 Time out Sixers, up 12-8. Also, I want to punch all of the Hare Raisers in the face. I’m cheery tonight.

5:00 I don’t care what you hear from anyone else, Chris Bosh is SOFT and someone is going to WASTE a ton of money on him this offseason. That guy does not have it. He can have all the stats in the world, but that guy does not have it.

3:48 Though the Sixers aren’t playing particularly well tonight, they’re up 18-10. They’ve run into a good thing tonight, that good thing is a team that does not appear to care. The Raptors don’t really appear to care whether the y win or lose tonight.

2:12 The return of the KFC fan cam. I still don’t know what it’s supposed to signify. Remember that rumor that went around about KFC serving something OTHER than chicken? That it was so genetically engineered, they weren’t allowed to call it chicken, and that’s why they just went by KFC? Around the same time we all believed Marilyn Manson was the kid from Small Wonder, and Jerry Penacoli shoved a gerbil up his ass. Actually, I think that one was true.

1:11 The Sixers have 30 points already. Two things to watch… First of all, will the Raptors continue to not care? Second, at 61% shooting for the 1st quarter, when that starts to settle into normal territory, how will the Sixers react? What they normally do is get impatient, take bad shots, and not play defense. Eddie Jordan usually reacts by leaving in the worst lineup possible. Let’s see what happens. WILL SOMEBODY TELL THE HARE RAISERS TO SHUT UP?!

2nd Quarter Sixers – 32 Raptors – 23

12:00 Iverson with 12 points and 4 assists, played the best quarter he’s played as a Sixer. It’s important to note that a bunch of those points came from jump shots. As shooting guards get older, they have to become better jump shoots to find a way to hang on. It’s yet to be seen how much Iverson has improved as a shooter, but he’d certainly add years on to his career if he has.

9:55 Sixers getting a little lax, and the lead shrinks to 7. Eddie Jordan’s reaction is to stand up and call a play. When the other team makes a run, Eddie Jordan doesn’t call timeouts or make substitutions, he calls a play. His first of the game.

9:49 Rodney Carney checks in. Elton Brand still has not played this game. At 14 points and 7 rebounds a game, he’s clearly too productive to be playing good minutes. I don’t think I need to worry about Eddie Jordan getting fired, because I think Elton is going to kill him.

8:29 I like Marreese Speights a lot, but he shoots too much. Pay attention to that. The number of times he touches the ball, compared to the number of shots he takes. I’d bet he shoots 75% of the time he touches the ball on the offensive side. YES! KISS CAM! YES YES YES!!!! THE AWKWARD “I DON’T WANT TO KISS YOU!.” What a great moment, because you know they’re fighting about it later. “I don’t know what your problem is, I don’t know why you couldn’t just kiss me.” “I don’t know how you can be so insensitive, if I don’t want to kiss you, I don’t. No means no.” “NO MEANS NO?! Really?! Like I tried to rape you?!”

8:29 Just heard, Elton Brand is questionable tonight with a stomach flu. Also, questionable with “too productive.” Sixers up 39-35.

7:21 Chris Bosh just checked back in. He was out of the game because someone went to the bathroom and wanted to wipe themselves with him.

5:04 Thaddeus Young is now 5-10 for 10 points. He’s gotten back to taking some real Thaddeus Young shots. He’s not a guy that generally creates a ton of his own shots, and he’s best when he’s not. When he does try to do that, he ends up with a lot of jump shots.

2:48 A big running sky hook from Sam Dalembert. Just typing that makes me want to rip my own fingers off and throw them on the court. Oh… he missed it.

HALFTIME Sixers – 60 Raptors – 49

I went into the halftime press room SURE that there would not be any cookies. I was even planning what I was going to write. I was wrong. I had some popcorn and an awesome Aramark chocolate chip cookie. I hope this is the start of a trend, and not the exception to the rule.

As for the game, I don’t know. I love the NBA, but this is the kind of game that makes people not love the NBA I think. There wasn’t much intensity, not on either side. It just seemed like the Raptors cared a LOT less than the Sixers did. The Sixers are shooting 45% and the Raptors are shooting 46% for the half, and the Sixers are still up 11 points, that tells you something. The Raptors DO NOT CARE. I don’t know how this game ends, but if they blow this lead too, it will be very, very disappointing.

3rd Quarter Sixers – 60 Raptors – 49

11:31 Samuel Dalembert puts the ball on the floor at the top of the key, tries a spin move through the lane, and gets called for traveling. That actually happened. I’m smashing my own head into the table in front of me. I’m going to do it until I forget that happened. I know I rip him a lot, but read what he just did. Think of every center in the NBA. Scratch that, think of every center in NBA history, and you tell me how many you’d be comfortable with putting the ball on the floor at the top of the key, and trying a spin move through the lane. How many in NBA history? 10? Actual, real, 7-foot centers. I can tell you one thing for sure, no matter who you came up with, I’m going to bet Sam is not one of those guys. I cannot figure out why he doesn’t get yanked the MINUTE he does something like that.

7:29 Thaddeus Young has 8 boards, Iguodala has 8 boards, Dalembert has 5. The Raptors are if not the softest team in the NBA, one of the softest.

7:22 Does anyone think waving things behind the backboard while guys are shooting free throws has ever done anything? Is there a bigger waste of time to try to psyche someone out in sports? I’d say the two biggest are thundersticks behind the backboard and calling a timeout to “ice the kicker.” Maybe the current “make the other guy take 87 blood tests,” by Mayweather might go on the list too.

6:26 Eddie Jordan calls a timeout as the Raptors draw to within 71-65. I can only imagine what brilliance he’s laying on the guys in the huddle. Maybe he tells them to do everything they do. Maybe they listen to every word he says, and he’s just this brilliant, fantastic motivator, and an incredible speaker with NO basketball knowledge. “Guys, I want you to make sure you leave a guy open for 3, give him some room. And if not, please make sure you give up some points in the paint. Sammy, I need you to turn the ball over and make sure you get some personal fouls. You don’t get any points for having them left over at the end of the game!”

5:50 Andre Iguodala just got a technical for hanging on the rim after a dunk. He complained. HE DID A PULL UP on the rim after the dunk. Unless he has a doctor’s note ordering to do extra pull ups every day, that technical was probably justified.

5:00 With a 77-70 lead, I’m nervous about the Sixers winning this game, though the Raptors still seem to not care at all.

4:17 Heckle of the game. After Chris Bosh made a shot, someone yelled, “good shot Avatar.” For comparison purposes, Chris Bosh, Avatar.

2:52 During timeouts they’ve been having the mini-Sixers dancers out there. It’s little kids dancing like the Sixers dancers. I’d guess they’re about 10 or 11 years old. I just look away the whole time. What’s more uncomfortable than a bunch of little kids dancing like grown ups dance?

2:01 Chris Bosh abuses Sam Dalembert in the low post, and brings the Raptors to within 81-78. Chris Bosh found the one person who cares less than the Raptors, Sam Dalembert. He also found the one player softer than him, Sam Dalembert.

:17 And the score is tied. In the last two games the Sixers have given up 18 and 11 point leads, respectively.

4th Quarter Sixers – 85 Raptors – 83

10:44 On a Bargnani 3 point shot, the Sixers fall behind 88-85. THIS HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE GAME!!! EVERY GAME!!! I’m at a loss for words, so I’m just using caps.

9:36 Bargnani puts the Raptors up 5. He ran to the huddle and said, “I’m barely even trying. I don’t know, it’s like they want me to hit the shots.” The Raptors are trying to win the first NBA game ever literally without breaking a sweat. The Guinness book people are now here to observe.

9:36 Thank God we have the Penn State marching band playing during timeouts tonight. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to throw up and jab pencils in my ears JUST because of the game. They make the decision easier.

7:09 As Turkoglu checks in for the Raptors, I realize they made the run to take the lead WITHOUT him in the game. Yep. That’s correct. They made the run without their best player.

6:06 Iverson ties the game on a jumper. That’s all I got. 93-93. Wait. Scratch that, Raptors up 2.

4:55 Lou Williams with the drive and lay in to tie the game. Regardless of his faults, the offense operates much better when AI is in the game. More movement without the ball. Better ball movement. It’s like everyone is scared of getting yelled at so they try harder.

3:01 Marreese Speights checks in for Dalembert. Maybe Eddie Jordan was tired of seeing Bosh abuse Dalembert. NAAAHHHHH. Must have been for some other reason. Oh, well there it is. Sammy has 5 fouls. With only 3 minutes left in the game, Eddie is surely saving him for something.

2:45 We’ve got a tie ball game on a wide open Lou Williams 3 point shot. The Raptors call timeout, and we’re tied at 100. During the timeout, Eddie Jordan will almost surely devise a plan for the Sixers to lose. Let’s hope they don’t listen.

2:30 Sixers go down two on Bosh free throws, then tie it on a Lou Williams jumper. Eddie Jordan tries to trip Williams as he’s running down the floor, as he will not be embarrassed by a win. Eddie Jordan has a clause in his contract that pays him on blown leads, but it only counts if they lose.

1:13 Chris Bosh makes one of two free throws and puts the Raptors up 3. Chris Bosh is also made out of the stuff they make Tempurpedic pillows out of. You know, that memory foam. If you lay your head on Chris Bosh and lift your head, there will be an imprint of your head on Chris Bosh.

:19 Of course. Hahaha, of course. Sam Dalembert with a follow up slam off a Thaddeus Young miss to put the Sixers up by 1. Raptors call timeout down 106-105. In the time out, Jordan is furious. He specifically told everyone NOT to rebound the ball on a miss. Unsurprisingly, Dalembert didn’t listen, as he’s made it this far never listening to anyone.

:08 Dalembert makes up for his dunk by fouling Bosh, and fouling out in the process. Bosh goes to the line and hits the free throw and puts the Raptors up 2. Thankfully Eddie put Dalembert on Bosh for the final play, who had been abusing him ALL. GAME. LONG. Probably a terrible idea to maybe take Speights, who is more physical, and put him on the less physical, soft, Bosh. NAAAAHHHHHH!

:08 You have to imagine this is AI or AI2′s clear out. Calderon has had some trouble staying with Iverson, but he’s out of the game now (take note Eddie). Iguodala inbounds, this is going to AI. AI can’t get by Jack, gives it up to Williams who has to force a shot and the Sixers lose.

I hate myself.

FINAL – Sixers – 106 Raptors – 108

Oh, wait, they’re not loaded. Whew.

Tonight’s Sixers game is moderately overshadowed by the recent controversy regarding Gilbert Arenas. Thankfully, it’s not really that big a deal, because the 3 guns Arenas laid out in the locker room, as a joke, weren’t loaded. We all know that guns, when they’re not loaded, are the same as whoopee cushions and mad libs, totally hilarious, for the whole family. Anyway, Arenas came out to warmups with 2 holsters, with 6 shooters in each one (FYI, Arenas doesn’t have any guns. I’m going to keep talking about him having guns, but it’s always facetiously. If for some reason he DOES bring out guns, I’ll make that very clear).

Beyond the Arenas controversy, has been 3 wins in 4 games for the Sixers, and a successful West Coast trip, though they did their very best to blow the game against the Nuggets (the Nuggest led a furious 4th Quarter charge, almost erasing a 16 point deficit, sans Anthony and Billups). They’ve done it by shooting a generally higher percentage than they usually do. Regardless, the defense and rebounding that they NEED to win on a somewhat consistent basis has still been absent, as far as I can see. I still think it’s a mistake to bring your two best low post scorers and rebounders (Speights and Brand) off the bench. Still, we start Thaddeus Young and Power Forward, and Thaddeus Young is not a rebounder, and I don’t think can defend Power Forwards. We start Dalembert at Center, and Sam can’t do anything. I still can’t figure out the rotations. I still don’t see any team defense. I don’t understand anything Eddie Jordan does. Maybe it’s the braces.

Iverson has been solid the last few games, and if he can continue to at least be a scoring threat, should help them win games.

I will say, watching them win games has been nice. I mean, actually winning games.

DUCK!!

Sorry, saw Arenas bring out a shotgun. Wasn’t loaded though. So naturally, I’m laughing my ass off.

A subplot here is the cookie situation at halftime. Because of the Blizzard of 09, the West Coast Trip and the holidays, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a home Sixers game. They were on a disappointing streak of NOT having cookies in the press room at halftime last I was here. It’s a new year. I’m hoping they turn it…. DUCK!! GET OUT OF THE… Oh, wait, that’s just his wallet. Sorry.

BIG STORY!!! Ok, I won’t get into it here, but Chris Johnson has a long standing beef with Phil Jasner. It’s from something that occurred when Chris was in 11th grade. One would imagine that this event was VERY minor in Jasner’s history, but Chris remembers it like it was yesterday. Anyway, Phil just came walking in and 100% gave the evil-eye to Johnson. I can’t confirm this, but it would appear as if Jasner DEFINITELY remembers Johnson, and still holds a grudge from back in the day. I’ll try to get Johnson to tell the (very minor) story of the (very minor) incident on the Sports Monday Noise podcast.

1st Quarter

12:00 The entire Sixers lineup has come out in bullet proof vests, looking much like 50 Cent on the cover of his debut album. Clearly, they’re not going to be bullied by Arenas.

12:00 Samuel Dalembert is getting ready for the jump ball, and instantly I fill with rage. I’ve never wanted a player off a team more than I want Samuel Dalembert off the Sixers. I like the Sixers players, genuinely like them, except for Dalembert. He does everything wrong. I can’t wait to highlight his faults tonight.

11:12 Dalembert with a put-back and score. I’m telling you because I feel like i have to be fair. Luckily, Andrew Baltche came back and drained a jumper in his face as Dalembert didn’t even pretend to play defense.

10:37 Gilbert Arenas goes to the line for 2 free-throws, and 6 shots. HAHAHA. Get it?

10:11 Arenas with a breakaway dunk. There were several Sixers around him during the shot, but they all just got on their knees, put their hands on their heads and DIDN’T F*CKING MOVE.  Wizards up 6-4.

9:35 Dalembert with the foul. That took 2 minutes longer than it usually does.

8:50 Chris just said, “I’m pro-Dalembert tonight.” That means I’m “Anti-Chris” tonight. I’m the Anti-Chris. HAHAHAH. Get it?

7:41 Sammy fires up an airball from 15 feet away. Why is Dalembert taking shots from 15 feet away? Your guess is as good as mine.

6:58 A timeout with the score 8-8. Arenas is currently in the corner talking to the cops, insisting that he did not shoot Rahim. The gun wasn’t even loaded. The cops all laughed hysterically. Guns are so funny! Only when they’re not loaded.

6:17 Look, Iverson has played well. But here’s some truth, Iverson can’t dribble past anyone anymore. If you don’t pay attention, you see him dribbling fast, and you think he can. Instead, he stands there, crossing over, but only moving parallel to the baseline. Here’s some more truth, Iverson can’t really guard anyone anymore. AI is more than a step slower than he used to be. Again, he’s played very solid, and not tried to do too much, but this is not the Iverson you remember.

5:27 Dalembert with the dunk. He’s got 4 points and 5 boards, and he’s really playing pretty well tonight. OK, FINE. Sixers up 11-10.

4:16 Arenas hits a three, then waves his gat in the air. Everyone gets scared for a moment, until he yells and tells everyone it’s not loaded. Everyone is now doubled over in laughter.

3:26 Brand and Speights come in, and I am happy.

2:44 Speights takes a charge. Timeout Sixers. Sixers down 19-18. I’m going to take this time to say that when all is said and done, the best player on this team will be Marreese Speights. I think he’ll be an all-star. Assuming he continues to get stronger, and develop offensively, hopefully to where he’s as good as he thinks he is offensively (he loves to shoot), he’ll be an all-star caliber Power Foward in the Eastern Conference. He plays hard, he’s got good instincts and a good attitude. Oh, and quite a bit of talent.

2:24 A three for Iguodala puts the Sixers up 21-19. The Sixers look patient and efficient on offense tonight. They’re moving the ball and getting open shots. It’s refreshing to see. Shooting 56% for the 1st Quarter.

1:39 Arenas checks out of the game, and the crowd sarcastically cheers. “Gilbert don’t shoot is yelled from the crowd.” He doesn’t need to worry, Arenas is a comedian, not a killer. He’s just being funny with the guns, they’re not around to shoot anyone.

:23 Another nice rotation on offense to get Willie Green an open three that he hits. People hate on Willie Green, but I like Willie Green. As your 3rd or 4th guard, Willie Green is a solid player. Sixes shoot 60% for the 1st Quarter.

2nd Quarter Sixers – 26 Wizards – 23

10:47 SPEIGHTS with a serious dunk from Iguodala, Sixers up 31-23, Time Out Wizards. Man, Flip Saunders is a goofy looking mother fucker. Ok, now as a I read his name, I read “MAHR-EESE,” but everyone says it as if it’s spelled “MAUR-EESE.” I’m going to have to find out the right way to say it.

10:47 KISS CAM! DAMN IT! I just caught the end of it, which turned out to be right in time. The very last couple was Gilbert Arenas and 16 guns. Don’t worry though, they’re all unloaded! The entire crowd erupts into laughter.

8:40 Rodney Carney checks in the game. Rodney Carney looks like Lil Dez from those Nike Puppets commercials with the puppet Lebron James and the puppet Kobe Bryant. I don’t like the real Kobe, but I like the puppet Kobe. Puppet Kobe never raped anyone.

7:27 Nice hustle, getting on the floor and saving the play from Speights, who gets it to Carney, Sixers up 38-30. COULD WE WIN ANOTHER GAME?!

6:12 Jrue Holiday, along with the incredible spelling of his first name, hits a three to put the Sixers up 45-32. Arenas quietly waves a gun in front of Holiday, apparently warning him not to hit one of those shots again. Arenas then mentions that the gun wasn’t loaded, and Holiday walks off the court laughing and smiling. Unloaded guns = Funny!

5:55 THIS JUST IN! Earl Boykins is 3 feet tall.

5:28 The KFC Fan Cam during the timeout. Showing fans on the big TV’s with a border with a KFC logo with Grilled Chicken. I understand the Kiss Cam, but what is this one supposed to mean? Are these fans who look like they like chicken? Do they look like Chicken? Are their initials KFC?

4:45 Another good rotation on offense and Lil Dez hits a three! The Sixers up 48-36.

2:47 With a few minutes left in the first half, the two players who are doing the grunt work for the Sixers, and making sure the Wizards only get one shot on offense, are Speights, with 5 points and 5 boards, and GASP, Samuel Dalembert with 6 points and 9 boards. One can only expect that Dalembert is planning a massive disappointment in the second half. Lou Williams has done a nice job offensively as well.

1:12 Dalembert now has 10 points and 9 boards. This is Dalembert’s night. This is not my night. Mind you, he’s doing what he SHOULD do. Dalembert’s points have come almost exclusively on dunks set up up OTHER people. Dalemebert is at his worst when he’s shooting jump shots and trying to create for himself. You only wish he’d watch tape of this and realize what would happen if he let the game come to him.

HALFTIME Sixers – 58 Wizards – 44

NO COOKIES AT HALFTIME. I wish I could write more about this, but Chris wasted several minutes in the press room acting like a greedy little pig and getting more chips.

Anyway, I do have time to again talk about the attire of some of the press here. There are THREE members of the press wearing warm-up pants. One guy wearing warm up pants, a warm-up jacket, and high tops with no socks. Hey guys, clearly you don’t have to wear a suit, but could you act like you care? They come here as a member of the working press, dressing like a college student going to class with a hangover. Really? Guys, you’re COVERING the game, not IN the game.

Sixers shooting 61% for the half, and held the Wizards to 41%. Amazing, when you play a little defense and rebound, you get easier shots. Dalembert ends the half with 12 and 10 boards. 6-7 from the field. The 6 FG’s all came on wide open dunks, and the miss on his glorious fadeaway. Maybe Dalembert, one day in his life, will realize that if he just takes what’s there, instead of trying to create for himself, he’ll get more minutes, and actually score more.

3rd Quarter Sixers – 58 Wizards – 44

9:48 Sixers up 64-48, and trying to decide with Chris if at some point this falls apart, and the Wizards get within 3. I’m going to say no. If the Wizards were a good time, I’m sure we’d have some kind of defensive disaster at some point, and it’d get close. The Wizards are a bad team. This needs to stay a blowout. I can say with complete confidence, the Sixers are a far more talented team than the Washington Wizards.

9:30 Jewish Heritage coming up against the Knicks. I guess Jesse Jackson is planning when to do Jewish Heritage Night. The Knicks will be wearing special “Hymie Town Knicks” jerseys. As a side note, everyone gets a free poster of the Sacramento Kings Omri Casspi on Jewish Heritage Night.

7:40 Time out with the Sixers up 66-50. Arenas has made his way into the crowd with a giant sack full of guns. He hasn’t stopped there though, he’s got a rocket launcher as well. He’s made it very clear that nothing is loaded, and this is all in good fun. A 6 year old girl is holding the rocket launcher, and the crowd is giggling up a storm!

6:50 Dalembert with the DUNK. He’s got 14 and 13. He’s missed two shots, the only two shots he’s taken than weren’t dunks.

5:03 Sixers up 72-58, and it’s in that dangerous range where a couple of Sixer miscues, and a couple of Wizards baskets could make this a game. With that, it’s now 72-60. The last 5 minutes of this quarter are going to tell the tale of this game. The Sixers are now showwting 54% for the game, and the Wizards up to 44%. It’s now when they have to concentrate on DEFENSE. When their hot shooting seems to slow down, they always just try to get hot again and forget about defense.

3:13 Bad shots and no defense. I’ve seen this before. Wizards close to 72-64. The Sixers are shooting fall away jumper after fall away jumper. So Eddie Jordan, I ask you this. As the game is falling apart, and the offense is a mess, your lineup on the floor is: Smith, Kapono, Holiday, Green and Brand. 1 out of 5 guys is a serious threat offensively. Why not get a couple of guys into the game to settle them down on the offensive end? It’s maddening. It’s also 72-66.

2:42 So the lineup comes back on to the floor, with Speights in for Smith. A backcourt of Green, Holiday and Kapono. Not big on this. Worried about this.

2:11 Jamison with the shot, the bucket and the foul. Jamison hits the free throw and the Wizards are now within 3. Jordan decides NOW to put Iguodala and Iverson back in the game. Iverson hits a jumper. Then Brand gets fouled going to the hole, and maybe, just maybe the game was saved in time. AMAZING EDDIE.

1:41 Eddie Jordan doesn’t know what he’s doing. He just doesn’t. I’m going to go find Arenas and see if he accidentally brought any guns that are loaded.

4th Quarter Sixers – 80 Wizards – 78

12:00 Well, it’s a game again. My frustration has hit that point that it usually only hits when I’m at home yelling at my TV. Except I’m here, yelling on press row. The Wizards closed to within 3, and are now shooting 48% to the Sixers 53%. Go up and check where it was at halftime. There is nothing fluid to the substitutions, and they’re poorly timed. If they lose this game I’m going to go nuts.

11:18 And we’re tied at 80-80.

9:28 Brand hits a jumper, and the Sixers are back up 4. DO NOT LOSE. Though, every time they lose, because of Lee Russakoff, I get visions of John Wall dancing through my head.

8:24 Iverson now has been called for that palming violation twice. The one he used to get called for all the time. Somewhere, Tim Donaghy is smiling.

7:20 Some asshole in the crowd is wearing a Cowboys jersey. All 17 people here are going to surround him and give him a talking to after the game.

5:52 Dalembert with the dunk and the Sixers with a 4 point lead. Dalembert has 18 and 18. BUT, he is 2-6 in the second half. Right? Come on. Give me something here.

5:13 Iverson misses a skyhook (really). Wizards break and score, and are within 1.

4:46 AND there goes the lead. A game that the Sixers led by EIGHTEEN points in the second half, is now a Wizards two point lead. THE WIZARDS!! YES! THE WIZARDS!

4:10 Wizards by 4. I’m speechless. Well, not really.

3:06 Time out Sixers. The Sixers are now down 96-90. Wizards now shooting 50% to the Sixers 49%. Go check what that was at halftime. If they lose this game, I will crown this the worst loss of the season. The very worst.

2:33 Jamison is killing them, and point after point in the paint with no contest from the Sixers, except for the occasional weak foul. I can’t even be funny, I’m filled with so much rage. This reminds me of every Lambert performance on Idol. The Sixers are now down 8.

1:16 The Wizards are up 8, and this game is over. The good news, the Sixers have once again allowed 100 points, so they get free tacos at Taco Bell! They’ve gotten a bunch this year! I told you the last 5 minutes of the 3rd would tell the story, and it did. The story is that this team doesn’t play defense, and Eddie Jordan doesn’t know what he’s doing.

FINAL Wizards -104 Sixers – 97

Awful loss. I hope this is the worst press conference of Eddie Jordan’s life.